The phrase “Hell
hath no fury like a woman scorned” has been part of the cultural lexicon since
the 15th century. The line is paraphrased from William Congreve’s
1697 play, “The Mourning Bride”, and the full quote is actually “Heaven has no
rage like love to hatred turned, nor hell a fury like a woman scorned.” Slightly
less well known is “Hell hath no fury like a film reviewer scorned”, in this
case that reviewer being me and the scorn having originated from Anchor Bay’s
latest DTV endeavor, “Scorned” (2013). If the title wasn’t indication enough
that the film you are about to watch is a love story gone awry, then the image
of lead actress AnnaLynne McCord holding a knife up to her lips should get the
message across. Tales of jilted lovers have been story fodder for ages, usually
playing well to… ahem, scorned lovers who want some trashy cinema to
vicariously live through at a depressing moment. I can’t think of an occasion
more fitting to sit through this waste of 86 minutes than that, but even those
who are on the rocks would be better suited to find some real entertainment to
kill time. Writer & director Mark Jones’ utterly banal tale of cheating and
revenge is so by-the-numbers you’d swear it was written using a Mad Libs for
Scripts book.
The film opens with
quite possibly the lamest expository dialogue ever seen, with text messages
scrawling across a black screen saying “Do U want 2 B inside me?” and “I can’t
wait 4 U” or some other juvenile crap like that. I get that they’re setting up
the fact someone is cheating, but what grown man actually texts “U” to a
person? The picture begins en media res as we see Sadie (AnnaLynne McCord) has
drugged her boyfriend Kevin (Billy Zane) and is about to get medieval on his
ass after snooping through his phone and finding out he’s been cheating. The
film then flashes back a whole 28 hours to quickly establish the BBF4ever
relationship between Sadie and her “friend since 2nd grade” Jennifer
(Viva Bianca), which feels about as real as a pair of fake tits. When Sadie and
Kevin embark upon a romantic weekend at Kevin’s ultra-modern playboy pad in the
woods, she’s convinced he’s going to ask for her hand in marriage. That is,
until she peeks through his cell phone and learns Kevin has been banging
Jennifer on the side. As the audience, we learn Kevin is a total moron because
who doesn’t put a passcode on their phone? Dude… Anyway, she pepper sprays his
junk and knocks him out with a log before tying him up and force feeding him
pills to keep him docile.
At this point, Sadie
decides it’s a good idea to make Jennifer believe she’s left for the weekend so
the two of them can get it on behind her back, so she sends her a text from
Kevin’s phone inviting her up. She arrives, Sadie incapacitates her, and we
then get into a tepid rendition of “Saw”-lite, wherein Sadie tortures the two
secret lovers via a variety of household means. The filmmakers may have
realized we’ve had literally nothing of substance up to this point, so they
throw in the subplot of an escaped convict who just ditched the nearby prison.
Cops in this town must be one step away from stupid because this guy is
hitchhiking on main roads and yet they can’t seem to find him. This will be
somewhat relevant later. But first, back to the “action”. Some flashbacks to
her childhood reveal Sadie has always been crazy. In fact, she seems pretty
damn nuts even before she goes off her rocker, making me question just how much
thinking Kevin’s larger head was doing. You want to nail a crazy chick, roll
the dice. But dating one? After making that decision AND leaving his phone
unprotected I have zero sympathy for the guy. The punishments go on for some
time before Jennifer finally makes an escape after hitting Sadie over the head.
An escape that lasts a whopping few minutes since Sadie has the quickest
recovery abilities outside of Wolverine and Jennifer is impossibly slow to get
away. I’m hesitant to spoil anything – yes, ever for this insipid slice of crap
– but needless to say, the film wraps itself up in the worst way possible. It
conclusively proves the local police are sharing a single brain, and that Sadie
is able to get away with literal murder despite, like, a dozen clear signs
she’s psycho.
But, man, is she
ever gorgeous. AnnaLynne McCord has been steaming up TVs since her debut on
FX’s ran-too-long series “Nip/Tuck” (2003-2010), but some of her best work came
from “Excision” (2012). That film was a perversely twisted tale of a girl with
serious mental issues who continually fought against her sadistic urges. And
she was really solid in the lead. I can’t say she’s delivering bad acting here
– because she does play crazy way too convincingly – it’s just the material
she’s given is so callow. She gets kudos for managing to elevate it
ever-so-slightly. I thought she chose scripts more carefully, which is why I
had been expecting “Scorned” to be better than the cover and synopsis would
suggest.
The biggest surprise
is that this wasn’t written by a novice filmmaker. This picture had “green
behind the ears” written all over it, but the man behind the pen and the lens
is Mark Jones, a veteran of the business since the ‘80s. The man wrote for
“ALF” (1987-1989), but he’s best known to horror fans for writing and directing
“Leprechaun” (1993). It’s hard to believe someone who has survived in the
business so long turned in such an amateur piece of work. This has the
fingerprints of a weary, doing-it-for-the-money director all over it. I get
that, people gotta eat, but if you can get a film greenlighted in this town at
least try to make it memorable for the right reasons.
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